Life in the Key of Reed

Nostalgia--How fitting...

2009-08-24T23:03:00.003-05:00

This week over at iheartfaces the theme for the weekly challenge is nostalgia. Well, three years ago, as i write this, i was laid up in a hospital bed in full on labor. I had not eaten since breakfast, and i wouldn't get to eat again until around 11:30 PM(!!) the next night. That's right...Nehem turns the ripe old age of 3 tomorrow...August 25. And while that's not decades ago...it still brings on nostalgia for the time before i was a mom, and what i've learned since he came into my life, and how Matt and i have seen a whole new side of this world God created because of the little person in our house. Nehem's childhood also makes me revisit all sorts of times in my own youth. So, as we celebrate Nehem's birthday this week, here's a photo taken of him when he was just a mere babe, rolling around on the floor, before the days of running after him, when I still had a stationary model for photographing!

Two Weeks in a Row

2009-08-18T12:22:00.003-05:00

Ok, so bubbles are fun, and Nehem agrees...so i managed and entry two weeks in row! I feel accomplished :)

Have you had fun with bubbles lately??
Check out how others have delighted in bubble fun over at iheartfaces.blogspot.com!!

Crazy, Silly, Funny??

2009-08-10T16:06:00.003-05:00

My first ever entry in the i <3 faces weekly photo challenge...and i didn't have to look far to find something appropriate for the category, i think he's got it! Though, try not to look around here too much, i'm aware it's a barren wasteland of a blog. i'm working on that :)

Wanna see some other crazy, silly, funny faces? Head on over to iheartfaces.blogspot.com and let the giggles abound!

Park Time

2009-07-22T11:16:00.010-05:00

We've had crazy July weather around here. Crazy like on Saturday, the high was around 78. Amazingly, abnormally, crazy. And it's still continuing! I'll take it...thanks! After attending a morning wedding, Matt took off to assist a friend in hanging a ceiling fan, so Nehem and I hit the park. He's a funny boy, my son, and refused to take off his shirt from the wedding...so I snuck in a t-shirt for later and off we went...anything to avoid a screaming fit(hahaha...not my son!!)

After he was sufficiently impressed with the water, he was ready to play, so I was able to (bribe) convince him to throw on the t-shirt and race for the playground.

This last one? Yeah, it's the face I see a lot...he's not grumpy, just deep in his own world. Here he's sailing a ship or something. Notice the little piece of wood in his right hand? That's his key. It unlocks everything. And if we lose that? Total devestation ensues and we must stop until a suitable replacement is discovered.

He's Already Insighful

2009-06-25T12:29:00.009-05:00

We've got quite a bit going on right now. Summer always does seem busy, huh? Today, Matt and Nehem are on the official annual staff fishing extravaganza. I'm sure fun is being had by all. I heard last year the children's pastor wouldn't bait his own hook....Besides that, Matt's made a run up to Super Summer, he's been working in the wee hours writing Hebrews material, I'm working, of course, and now obsessed with playing with pictures when there's not more pressing things to do in what is my life...like changing the diapers on my nearly three year old who refuses to use the potty, and various other things i find that require my attention, or i'll just be honest...playing with pictures despite all that stuff.

On top of the normal family busy stuff, Matt's mom is going in for surgery on July 1st. She's been in and out of the hospital dealing with a blockage in her bile duct from her liver. I'm resting in the truth that she is held in the hands of her Creator. Please join me in prayer for a successful surgery and the easiest recovery ever.

When Nehem goes to visit, he asks if she's still sick. She tells him he makes her feel better. He says, "Yep, mmhmm!"

-----------------

In reference to the title of this post: Last night, the three of us were leaving to go to run a couple places. It was probably about 6:30. Sunshine was flowing thru the back door into the living room, among the other windows, that was shining particularly brightly. I was attempting to coral the child and he took note of the stream of light and proudly proclaimed,

"Look, Mama! We should splash in the sunshine!!"

He bound down the stairs and proceeded to do just that.

It looked like fun. Think i'll add it to my list of cheery things to do.

Five things Friday

2009-06-19T11:07:00.004-05:00

I do still exist. There is much flowing in the way of creative energy in my brain, and for the life of me I can't get it into words...this is what happens to me when stress enters my world...more on that another day.

So, because i can, this is what goes here today:

5 things in my freezer:

-steaks in a box from my grandmother from months ago
-chicken
-cow in various forms
-brussel sprouts (thought i'd try them...now i'm afraid)
-ice (remarkable!!)

5 things in my closet:

-flip flops
-dumb bells
-the creative efforts of my two year old that I'd like to keep in memory of these days
-clothes that fit
-clothes that don't fit (happily, most are a bit large)

5 things in my car:

-Nehem's toys
-Nehem's car seat
-Nehem's juice cup
-Nehem's shoes (seeing the trend??)
-IPod

5 things in my purse:

-a diaper (unused)
-my current read (Jesus for President)
-colored pencils (mine, not Nehem's)
-point and shoot camera
-some of Nehem's Hot Wheels (they are everywhere)

5 things in my mind:

-July 1
-My husband is a good dad
-My dad is a good dad
-God is not surprised by things that surprise me...He knew the outcome of today before the world began. He's still on Plan A. In this I can rest.
-Love (always) wins.

Eight and a Half Years In...

2009-04-21T14:49:00.003-05:00

I was disillusioned by what i thought love, marriage, sex was all about. And was lost, mad, hurt, angry, continue with the descriptive words, when i thought it had been missed or lost or taken away by our circumstances or whatever 'it' was that was keeping us from what i thought all this was supposed to look like.

I kept trying. I kept pushing. I kept forcing. I kept seeking. I kept controlling. I kept waiting to be loved. I was waiting for Matt to fulfill me, to be the movie star husband in the Oscar winning roll to hold me right, say it right, do it all right, so i could respond...right. And then I'd know how to be happy. I was seeking an illusion.

One of the biggest differences in how God paints marriage and how our culture paints it, is this: culture says marriage is to make us happy, God says its to make us holy. Our culture wants us to believe a healthy marriage consists of toe curling sex, every night, or maybe more...blissful walks in fields of flowers, maybe a dark cloud here or there that the happy couple grasps each other's hand and blink through and its over. That doesn't exist, and Matt is not capable of making me happy like that. He is only human. And I finally decided(not on my own, of course, God had to yell and hold up flashing signs) there is nothing I can do to guarantee a fulfilling marriage with my husband...
besides choosing to follow God's will for my marriage.

God said, "Do you love me? Then follow..."

And i did...often failing, i set out to honor Matt, even when he hadn't earned it. Is that how i can be more like Jesus? Isn't that the point here? I get so much from God--unearned. Learning to give to Matt in that way honors him and honors God. I glorify my savior when i submit to my husband. Ha---submit---after trying for so long to do everything but submit...inadvertently, of course.

At first, i thought it would leave me empty. I thought I wouldn't be getting anything from him, and i'll just be left. I thought, you know, the honoring God part would be good adn all, maybe He'll show me how to be happy honoring Matt, but i'd just be left...a doormat...but i was willing...without any promises from God of how i'd feel or what i'd get in return.

But something rather amazing has happened(shocking, i know), and I'm only now aware enough to begin putting it into words. When i stopped waiting for Matt to go first, when i stopped using a checklist to tell me when it was 'right' and i could be happy only after each item had been checked off(those items coming from a culture that told me what a marriage should consist of to elicit happiness), I found God filling me up with something so much better than fleeting, contrived happiness. I'm finding unspeakable peace. There's lasting joy and satisfaction in my far from perfect marriage that God wants to perfect.

I'm taking the burden off Matt to meet my unattainable goal to be fulfilled by another human being, and that doesn't leave me empty or unhappy, but freer and happier than ever. I'm not waiting for my feeling to lead me to love him, i decide to love him. and the feelings...they do come...overwhelmingly.

And it's all GOD. Spouses putting each other first isn't all it takes to heal a marriage. It's God, every single day.

Scandalous Love, Scandalous Night

2009-04-10T11:16:00.004-05:00

By entering through faith into what God has always wanted to do for us—set us right with Him, make us fit for Him—we have it all together with God because of our Master Jesus. And that's not all: We throw open our doors to God and discover at the same moment that He has already thrown open his door to us. We find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God's grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.

There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit!Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering His Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to Him.

Romans 5:1-8 (The Message)

At the wonderful tragic mysterious tree
On that beautiful scandalous night, You and me
Were atoned by His blood
Forever washed white
On that beautiful scandalous night

Oh, Boy

2009-04-09T09:39:00.003-05:00

I'm a bad blogger. Yes, I know. And because there's far too much substance and depth to the things in my brain, i bring forth a true tale today as related to me by my sister-in-law, LeeAnn. She is known in the fam as Aunt Nize, shortened from her childhood nickname of Futon Nizey. Don't ask me...these people i married into are some strange, strange folks, indeed. It seems my son took on a good bit of the genes. Let the tale commence:

As my dear sweet offspring was to be attempting sleep yesterday afternoon, Aunt Nize had already been in to check on him to see what ruckus was abounding, as it was not sleep. He was playing with a mountain of toy cars that he'd taken with him to bed. She advised him that his cars needed to sleep also, and had taken them out of his crib and placed them in their own 'bed' so that they may get their own version of much needed car 'beauty rest'. That's important, you know. She rocked him, had him pretty much out, placed him gingerly back in to sleep and covered his little body, and he sprang back to life. Apparently covering him with the 'big, 'ol covers' wakes him up. So she left him alone to hopefully find sleep on his own.

As Nehem is alone in his bed, it is common to hear many entertaining sounds through the monitor in his room. Aunt Nize is well versed in the trappings of my two year old, and went about her business, keeping an ear out for any odd sounds. Many days you can hear interesting conversations, fine singing, and he also uses this time to perfect language and other things that he doesn't want to do in front of others. On this particular afternoon she began hearing, "thump, thud, bump." It appeared that he was throwing stuff out of his bed. That's all good and well, sometimes he thinks he's 'cleaning' his bed.

Suddenly, there came a decidedly electric "whirrrrrrrrrr," from the room. That would not be in the normal category, so upon investigation she discovered that my dear son had systematically pulled a vacuum cleaner that had been sitting by his crib around to the front, and thrown stuff out of his crib to trigger the power button that one usually pushes with his foot to trip. Yes. He did this all by himself. She came into the room and he was vacuuming the floor through his crib bars, and he said, "What is it?"

I know there is a reason he's still in a crib. I should thank God right now he has not learned to exit the crib. Yet.

Oh the Things He Says

2009-02-27T09:01:00.002-06:00

So the past few mornings the kiddo has been feeling a little rough. i guess he's deciding if he's getting sick. this does not excite me because around half of the church has strep throat right now. ick. the other half has a mysterious virus that i figured we'd already contracted and gotten rid of, but now i'm not so sure. he's not down and out, just a little puny around the momma, requiring extra hugs and cuddling, and this morning he had a little fever, nothing big.

Well, a couple mornings ago, i think his ear was bugging him and he had a headache. he had requested some ty-nol(tylenol) and was clutching the optimum comfort items...Dronkey Big and Dronkey Little. (there should really be some pics of those things at some point, they're legendary, really) it was time to head to Grandpatty's house, and get the day started, so we were headed into the garage and Matt hit the button to raise the garage door. in flooded lots of glorious morning sunshine, much to the dismay of the boy.

"It's bright!" he exclaimed.

"It sure is," i replied, "it's morning now."

"Well," he contemplated, aloud, "I just like the dark today."

that's my boy.

My Esophagus, It Still Burns

2009-02-20T12:19:00.005-06:00

(forgive the image quality, please, it's from my phone)

In an attempt to become more culinarily enclined, i uncovered a recipe that sounded rather tasty. anything chickeny, cheesy, tortilla-y, and with a tiny bit of zip is pretty ok with us, so i set out to wow my husband(ok, that's just funny) and had planned to prepare this dish for a few nights. on monday, i had the chicken breast all thawed out in the refridgerator, and afraid it would spoil, i decided to cook it, even though i wasn't going to be making the mexican delight that night. i had decided upon poaching the chicken to keep it plump and juicy...which was new for me...and i might add it turned out rather well. it stored nicely in a container of broth until last night. the recipe called for some green chile's and that was it for spices. i didn't think that would really amount to much in the way of taste, and some reviews i found reinforced my assumption. so, instead of using a can of chiles i used rotelle. and i also added a tiny bit of cumin. mmmmm! it smelled quite devine as it cooked in all it's goodness. Nehem commented a few times as he gazed into the oven that he was quite ready to partake of momma's creation, and he was sure that his cars would be joining us for some dinner, too. oh, and also probably a motorcycle or two. sweet goodness, i could barely wait the 35 minutes for it to get all melty and gooey before whisking it out of the oven! once it was finally out, i served up Nehem's little bit in a bowl and let it cool, then plopped Matt's out and handed it over for the official taste test. He said he thought it was pretty good, but that i wouldn't like it, as it was rather, ummm, warm. i thought, surely, it couldn't be that bad, i eat his rotelle dip all the time, add in some chicken and tortillas and i'm in a tastebud dream! i finally joined the boys at the table and tested Nehem's to make sure it had cooled, and it was nice and unsteamy by then...he took a big bite and promptly asked for his milk. now, the boy usually doesn't mind zippage in his food and usually withstands a bit zestier food than his mother. i then tried mine, and the first bite wasn't sooo bad, but the second one made me cough and my eyes watered. it was a bit like the fire of hades was blazing in my mouth. poor Nehem, couldn't understand why his mouth was on fire. he kept asking me to blow on each bite, "leally, leally hard! momma." now, i can say a friend of ours had two nice helpings, he thought it was great. he's a big fan of spice and cheese. i didn't get to ask if he needed any tums during the night. i sure did.

Even in Exodus

2009-02-02T12:12:00.002-06:00

i'm attempting to read the Bible in six months. let me just be honest and say it started out at a goal of six months. my first mini-goal was to get through Matthew, Mark, Genesis and Exodus in 2 weeks. at the end of my third week i've completed Matthew, Genesis and most of Exodus. it seems the detailed description of just how the tabernacle should be constructed has me a little less than overjoyed to plow ahead with the reading. in doing these readings together, it's kinda exciting to me to see the different prospectives. the beginning of it all...the fall of man, and the beginning of it getting put back together all at the same time. i understand Exodus is really about the beginning of God's covenant with His people, and how the next bunches of years were about showing them how they couldn't do it with rules and simply putting it, they needed a savior to do it for them. but, man...in the middle of winter, today, reading the exciting details of just how that tabernacle should be built...i just was not so thrilled. so, on facebook, i updated my status thusly: Bible reading in my cube...Exodus...how to be inspired by Tabernacle building instructions?

speaking of winter...what it is about this season that drains every bit of happy producing chemical from my body? oh, i know...it's the freezing cold temperatures for which i was not manufactured. it's the lack of decent sunshine. it's the general brown/grey color that every bit of vegetation displays. it's how, in middle tennessee, since it's so stinkin' cold, you still won't get any decent snow, and so you just get icky weather and nothing to show for it. sorry for the unloading of negetivity, but stick with me people, there is a point and it gets brighter here...in just a bit. to top it off, for whatever reason, shall we say (crazy, questioning voice) Saaataaaaan(???) i've been so inclined to revisit the tracie of decades past. drudging up old memories for which you think you've forgiven yourself and moved on only to realize that because we are creatures that simply cannot forget, sometimes we have to reforgive ourselves...makes for fun times. but, since that's what Jesus came to die for, that's kinda what i'm about...forgiving...even if it is ugly old me.

back to Exodus and my facebook status. one of my friends then replied, "proof that God cares about the details." this initially scared me. really? cuz if He cared that much about the tabernacle, the place He dwelt in with the Isrealites, then what does He think about His dwelling place in me?!?!? that thought was then followed by, "aaaaaaaaaaaaak!" and that's when He found me...not that He ever left. but that's when my cold little heart melted enough here in the middle of the winter to be still enough and listen. because Jesus already has it taken care of...He did die for me, and even if i'm still working on forgiving me, his blood is still covering me and God can look at me and see His perfect and holy Son.

The One with the Random List

2009-01-30T10:23:00.002-06:00

Because it was just so time consuming to create for my Facebook friends, I am posting my 25 Random Facts About Tracie list here, too (it's my blog, I do what I want):

This was difficult.

1. I want to jump out of an airplane before I die, but not as a means to end my life…I’d like a parachute to accompany Me, and for it to open successfully.

2. My favorite color is green. I like to mention this often, because color is important to me for some reason, of which I am not aware. My all time favorite color is black, but I don’t really consider it a color for some reason. I guess because it is such a basic part of existence in my mind’s eye. Without the color black I’d feel unbalanced.

3. I think I’m kind of a strange person…and I’ve fully embraced my strangeness and I’ve learned to accept it and hope others do, too.

4. I don’t subscribe to man-made global warming, but I do believe in being a good steward of what we’ve been given charge over. Keeping Earth clean seems like something God would have us do.

5. I climbed a waterfall in Jamaica. It was amazing. At one time I thought I might die.

6. I was born in Dallas, TX. I grew up in Milton, FL. We moved to TN the summer between my sophomore and junior year of high school. That was one of the most painful experiences of my life. But, I’m glad we did, or I’d not have met my darling husband.

7. Speaking of husband…Matt and I have both been married twice. Both times were to each other. The first time was by a lake on August 4, 2000. We were 19, and had only been ‘together’ for a month. The only people present were us, our parents, LeeAnn(Matt’s sister), and Matt’s high school Bible teacher who coincidentally agreed to marry us. Five months later (1-1-01) we had a big ‘wedding’. Everyone else thought that was the real one. Surprise!! We were not pregnant. This happened because we couldn’t wait to be married, I was an only child and my grandmother had dreamed of a big wedding for me my entire life. If I could do it over, I’d go with our August wedding and have a reception for everyone.

8. I highly enjoy storms. Matt and I have been known to chase a few storms in our day and we’ve seen a tornado or two. I’m the person glued to the window looking for the funnel cloud when the radio at work is warning everyone to seek interior shelter. They think I’m strange, too.

9. I’m so indecisive; I had 4 majors in my very short college career.

10. I loathe the phone and will go to many lengths to not have to speak on it.

11. In my mind, I correct grammar, both spoken and written, constantly. Other people’s grammar and my own. (I am aware that previous sentence is merely a fragment, I’m being daring today.) I try to keep this contained to my head, as it is not nice to correct others like this all the time. I sometimes don’t like this about myself.

12. Ok, this might be weird. You know those time lapse videos that show a scene through a year or something of the sort…well, I sometimes wish I could stand in one spot and go all the way back in time and ‘time lapse’ through all of history to see what that one place on the globe has seen throughout the history of creation. I often think of this on my way to church, driving down Old Nashville Hwy through the old battle ground areas of Middle Tennessee. I think it would be way cool to see how landscapes have changed, animals that have grazed, people that have built and lived and moved on from any given spot, or even died right there. Is that weird?

13. I believe if church was the way God intended it to be, people wouldn’t be hungry and thirsty and there would be far less fighting in the world. I want to try to make that happen. I am not sure where to start. I think God has a plan. It’s all being reconciled. And we’re part of it.

14. My best friend in high school’s dad thought I worshiped Satan. I didn’t.

15. Back in the day…like 12 years ago…I could sing. I still love to sing, but it’s probably a blessing to the rest of the world that I do that in the privacy of my own ears. I’d love to be able to do it again, but I don’t put the time into disciplining myself to get it back. And I went on a mission trip to Jamaica and got some virus and lost some range after I refused to not speak when my voice gave out.

16. I analyze everything…people…why they do and say and act like they do.

17. I have to try very hard to pull myself out of myself and initiate contact with others. Though I love people and love learning about them, although I can be easily annoyed, especially by the people that are living. This is really not meant to be a contradiction.

18. I know what it’s like to be depressed. Not like a little blue. I know what it’s like to wonder what it’d be like in the world if I wasn’t in it. I know what it’s like to lose touch with who you are and do stupid things because of it. I know what it’s like to take meds for this condition. I do not enjoy it. If you want to know more, God has taught me a lot about it, and I will be glad to answer any questions you may have.

19. God has used money to teach my husband and me a lot about life and Him and His Spirit and how He wants us(at least Matt and I) to live in this life. We can answer questions about that, too. 20. I have the best day job/boss/working location/co-workers ever! I don’t think I work everyday for a living doing what I was born to do, but it is what has allowed our family to be actively following where we feel God calling us. And that’s what makes me love my job.

21. We pretty much never watch TV in our house. Besides the fact we only have $12 cable and get only about 4 channels, we just don’t turn it on. The only show I miss is Lost, and I have friends with DVR for that! We do watch movies on occasion, however.

22. We only have one car. This is by choice. We don’t need two cars, it helps us spend more time together and it allows us to save money and use it for something better. On warmer days you’ll catch a Reed flying by on a wild scooter, though!

23. I love photography. If I could do anything in the world, I’d sell everything we have, give it all away, move to Africa and document mission work.

24. I am not a touchy feely person. I rarely initiate hugs, even when I feel they are warranted or normal for any given situation. Sometimes I can overcome my awkwardness, other times not. If you see me and think I need a hug, feel free to give said hug. They are usually welcome; I think I just didn’t come with this bit of social programming, among other bits; this is just one worth mentioning.

25. I love Jesus. He’s the only reason I know how to love my husband and son, and can hope to love everyone else, including myself.

There you go, maybe you should do one too, or leave a few random things about yourself in my comments.

So He Can Live Through Me

2009-01-19T09:12:00.002-06:00

i saw this statement and it made me think:

"When we define ourselves more by our personality than the Person of Christ, we've got a problem." (sorry, don't know who said it)

i am somewhat shy, and indecisive, and fearful to just put myself out there. i have dumb tendencies to gawk at my own inadequate feelings...i often feel flawed and that people are gonna notice and think i'm a weirdo and that i'm certainly not cool enough for them. i'll go ahead and admit, though, i am a bit of a dork, and i'll gladly display my dorkiness for all of dorkdom.

so, i have this personality. it's God-given, even. but i'm thinking when He looks at me, He's seeing somehting way different than what i see when i look at myself. so when i say i can't do something because i dont' believe i'm 'that type' of person, is that me saying 'No' to God. is that me deciding who He's made me to be? i imagine He's probably way more qualified to determine what i can handle. so, when i feel things moving and tugging me to act or even just think differently, but shrink away because i'm feeling shy or can't imagine doing whatever it is because that's 'not who i am"...well, maybe i'm misinterpreting who i am...because didn't i die to myself so Jesus could take over in here?

My God, He Blesses Me

2009-01-13T10:56:00.003-06:00

It seems pointless to mention how it's 2009 now and how I've neglected writing here for how many months now...the holidays were fun. Nehem had a blast. It's embarrassing how many toys a two year old can have and we even purged to make room for the new stuff. There's lots of things going on in my head about our stuff and how we follow God and what all that should look like. I'll not promise, but surely try to get those thoughts organized to be published here at some point...in addition to creating an actual look for this place and real. live. photos. oh dear.

Yesterday evening, after getting home from work, we discovered that it would benefit us much for a grocery store excursion to come to pass. So, i went...to Kroger...during the 5:00 hour with the rest of Smyrna. I'm not entirely familiar with the Kroger store for my normal grocery shopping, so i have to go down nearly every isle making certain i don't miss some essential item. One think i was sure to miss was a special treat for the husband...plain brownies. Last time i purchased brownies for him, i got some with chunks of Hershey chocolate in them...and unbeknownst to me, it also came with a package of fudge. He ended up making the brownies, so i didn't know, until later. But they turned out overwhelmingly rich, so he asked for 'plain brownies' the next time. In looking for the plainest version, i was standing to the far side of th isle as to not block traffic and a guy walks up, pushing a cart loaded with 3 young boys. He says to the boys, "Ok, guys, she said Cream Cheese Frosting. Hmm. I think we're in over our heads." He proceeded to stand in the middle of the isle looking most confused. I picked up a can of cream cheese frosting and asked if that's what he what he needed. I thought the man was gonna hug me. He told me i was cool, and that he surely would've never found it on his own, although it's clearly marked "cream cheese frosting" on the container. Then he looked at me, then his boys, then at me and said, "May God bless your life."

Why do i never know what to say when people say that to me?

So, I said, "heh, Thanks, it's no problem!"

And this bothers me. That i don't know what to say. And it's because i'm not all that great at spoken communication...too many thoughts come to my head all at once and i can't pick one to go with, so i just say something normal. i want to say: do you know Him? Like i do? because isn't that exciting/amazing/wonderful? and if you don't, won't you let me tell you about Him? (this is not likely, as i'm not typically extroverted, i'd need a lot of caffeine for that...and people would probably run away) or...just something simple like...oh, He does, with every breath, every day.

Amazingly, I'm Still Alive

2008-10-31T12:21:00.002-05:00

After a lapse in posts, i'm trying to get motivated to write. So much has happened, every time i think to write, i don't know where to begin. So, for today i'm saying:

Happy Halloween!!

i dressed up as a football player, Matt's an old man...boy, let me just say it's sexy...and Nehem's a giraffe! i must admit he's the cutest giraffe ever. of course.

Because i haven't a clue how to delve into our current life stats and circumstances...i'm going with a Thankful Friday list. With that, here are just a drop in the bucket of things for which i am thankful:

Halloween neighborhood parties
apple cider
Demo's
Raz'z(wow, sounds like i enjoy my food)
multicolored leaves in the fall
Titans 7-0!!!!
a good husband who is also a good daddy
medicine for snot
chilly fall air to open the windows
sarcasm
pumpkins and jack-o-lanterns
hearing my two year old say the previous listed items
hearing my two year old say just about anything
being surprised by God
books that cause pondering
pumpkin patches
learning to love a post baby body
beautiful friends
an extra hour of sleep Saturday night
Halloween candy
watching children worship on Saturday nights
two year old singing in the back seat of the car...Old McDonald all the way home
relaxed work environments
God's plan being revealed in my life
an election season that is finally, finally almost OVER!!

Monsters Live in My Front Yard

2008-07-25T15:39:00.004-05:00

Last night, well, evening, i guess, Matt and I ventured out front to hook up Nehem's brand new highway to fun...an Elmo sprinkler. We got it all hooked up, striped the boy, and commenced the funness. Nehem was rather enthusiastic about this form of entertainment. He'd run excitedly around the outside of the 'water zone' and when the wind would blow some water spray his direction, he'd let out a little shriek and skedattle away. Finally, he warmed up to it a bit, and would go stand in the 'rain', get a chill and giggle out. He even got brave enough to walk up to the stream of water, turn his head and put his 'herr' in it. Herr would be Nehem for hair. He would then proceed to dart off, clapping and saying, 'Yay!!" It was rather enjoyable, until...

Matt was standing closer to the edge of the drive way and exclaimed something like, 'Kill IT!!'

I directed my attention to what he was speaking of, and to my horror discovered...an ant. And not just an ant, mind you, nope, it was the size of my foot. Really. Now i've seen red, furry, velvety ants before, but nothing this big. Ever. I, being the only one with shoes on, proceeded to walk towards it, then decided that this might not end as intended. I had images rushing before my eyes something akin to my walking up to said beast, lifting my foot high to avoid knocking into it before i came down for the kill, missing in some tragic misstep and it grabing my foot and knawing off my toes, one by one...then, i mustered up some courage, stepped down, lifted, and would you believe, it kept walking like nothing had even touched it. AAK! I stomped, repeatedly and the thing just would not die! All I can think of is that my child will surely come over thinking this looks fun, attempt to touch it and he will die a horrible death! Finally, per my husband's cool and collected direction, i placed my hoof over this indestructible thing, and twisted it into the concrete with all i had. It was pretty much nonexistant after that. I think there was maybe a leg or two left, but the rest was ground down to unidentifiable. Yikes.

So, as you can imagine, when the second one appeared, I had visions of red-orange faces, sitting in the grass at the edge of the pavement, waiting for the opportune moment to pounce on my nearly two year old and have a fine feast. But, alas, we only had the two visitors that had and unfortunate demise(for them at least).

And just so you know, Wikipedia said they are not ants at all, but female bugs in the wasp family, known for their painful sting. And their name...cow ants, also known as...this is good...cow KILLERS. I'm serious...because by the look of them, you'd think them capable of taking down a cow!

He Thinks He's Getting Old...

2008-07-10T09:47:00.002-05:00

Today is Matt's 27th birthday! And last night he was a little less than perky, which of course made me start asking what was wrong and trying to read his mind, which he absolutely loves for me to do. Really, just ask him. He'll tell you.

Anyway, he mentioned something about being old when I brought up his birthday. I can't wait to see how old he feels when he really is old. It should be a lot of fun.

And here comes the point of this entry:

Happy Birthday, Baby!!
I love you and can't possibly tell you how blessed Nehem is to have you as his daddy, and I am to be your wife. Thank you for being you and allowing God to work in your life and grow you into what He has in mind. I've enjoyed seeing God's work in you and can't wait to see what else He has in store. Try not to be too bummed about being another year older, and enjoy 'Matt Reed Day'!!!

2008-07-09T09:59:00.002-05:00

From My Utmost for His Highest:

Fretting means getting ourselves "out of joint" mentally or spiritually.
It is one thing to say, "Do not fret,"
but something very different to have such a nature
that you find yourself unable to fret.
It’s easy to say, "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him"
( Psalm 37:7 )
until our own little world is turned upside down
and we are forced to live in confusion and agony like so many other people.
Is it possible to "rest in the Lord" then?
If this "Do not" doesn’t work there, then it will not work anywhere.
This "Do not" must work during our days of difficulty and uncertainty,
as well as our peaceful days, or it will never work.
And if it will not work in your particular case,
it will not work for anyone else.
Resting in the Lord is not dependent on your external circumstances at all,
but on your relationship with God Himself.
Worrying always results in sin.
We tend to think that a little anxiety and worry
are simply an indication of how wise we really are,
yet it is actually a much better indication of just how wicked we are.
Fretting rises from our determination to have our own way.
Our Lord never worried and was never anxious,
because His purpose was never to accomplish His own plans
but to fulfill God’s plans.
Fretting is wickedness for a child of God.
Have you been propping up that foolish soul of yours
with the idea that your circumstances are too much for God to handle?
Set all your opinions and speculations aside and "abide under the shadow of the Almighty"
( Psalm 91:1 ).
Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about whatever concerns you.
All our fretting and worrying is caused by planning without God.

During the confusion i referred to in the previous post, i would often tell myself that that's what i was doing...letting God control, His will, not mine, but i think i was still feeling the fretfullness...and was just burying it, and me. The light is improving my view. He's showing me things about myself i'd forgotten, and encouraging me to bring it back out. Me, as He made me, and as He's making me.

This is One of Those You Were Warned About in the Page Description Located at the Top

2008-07-08T15:07:00.003-05:00

Being indecisive by nature does little to help me figure out who i am. i am a dreamer...overwhelmed by the possibilities of what i see and paralyzed, unsure of how/where to go.

I have been sure of some things in my life...following Christ-it's good as an indecisive person to let the creator of the universe and therefore my life to be in charge, also, i was sure of marrying Matt, even if it's been painful at times...those are two of the biggest things that have shaped where i find myself at this moment. And until a couple of weeks ago, i was so confused about where i am and where i'm going and wht it looks like, and oh(!!!) did I miss any turns along the way?!?!?!? Because where i'm supposed to be shouldn't feel like this. Every direction i look is blurry and all i can see are endless days wasting away to a mindless lump in my cube. i am a creative, loving, intelligent being!! I was meant for more than this!!!

One night blabbing this to the dark bedroom and my husband, he rolled over and said,"Maybe this is where you're supposed to be. And this is what you have to do now to do do more later." Isn't he smart? So, i had to mull over that one for a bit. Already knowing it, but being discontent with my circumstances.

One fine example of my indecisive nature is evident in my not finishing school. I had my free ride and couldn't make up my mind which way to go. i managed to change majors no less than 4 times in 1 1/2 years. seriously. So after my enlightenment that Matt was the one i was to marry, i 'took a break' that's lasted now since January 2001. if i went back today, i still don't know what i'd major in. (it bothers me that i just ended a sentence with a preposition, but i'm feeling devilish and will let it remain)

Over this time i've managed to lose myself. i was a bit of an accumulation of nervous energy at home and really just in general...unsure of how to just be...me. Trying to be for everone and then probably not even so well, just mainly in a suppressed state of existance. My poor husband! But something's a changin' around here. and i like what i'm beginning to see and scared i'm going to slip back to what i've been.

It's like i've got a whole new pair of eyes. Like i've got the idea that i should focus on doing one thing well, that's sitting that the feet of Jesus, and i'm watching myself come alive.

I've always loved my husband, but it's getting louder in my heart again. And i'm scared he doesn't even know, because i'm still working out displaying it. i feel like a little kid.

It's probably been 10 years, but back then i wasn't much on wasting time being self-conscious, well, in the way that keeps you from being you...and i think i'm getting back there...i forgot how good it feels.

Church is getting down-right exciting. Matt and i are starting a class of couples aged 25-35ish and my brain is blasting all the things we acan talk about and discover and put into action...Heaven on Earth, marriage and sex and the relationship of couples being the picture of Jesus and the church, and the different light that makes me see us in, and how to be His hands and feet together. i'm so excited to be doing this with Matt.

And watching Matt with Nehem...it's got to be my fovorite thing to do.

It's been a little dark in here, but i'm seeing some light peeking in. (again with the preposition at the end!)

It's different the second time around...

2008-06-25T12:39:00.003-05:00

When i was in the 3rd grade, i had a realization...I didn't want to spend eternity in hell, I'd prefer Heaven, thanks. So, i was baptized. I didn't have a specific moment in time that i realized Jesus was the Son of God, I've always believed that was true and i tried to be a good girl because that's what God wants, but i figured i needed to get this bit of business taken care of so i wouldn't burn in the hellfire.

Over time, i, like everyone else, would mess up, and for years i'd deal with the guilt from those times and would have the feeling that i'd taken my eyes off God, messed up and in the desire to be in His good graces, needed to be baptized again. In the instant that my focus was off God, I'd lost my salvation. So, every day i lived in fear taht i'd messed up some way, perhaps not even knowing, and despite my growing love for God, was going to lose my salvation and go to hell anyways, because i surely didn't even know all the ways i'd fallen short of the perfection needed to get to heaven.

But now, I know different.

Now, i know my God is bigger than that. It's nothing i do that earns my salvation, otherwise Jesus wouldn't have had to pay that price. It's only by His grace that i live in Him, and will continue to live forever. It's not my grasp on Him that is going to get me there, it's His firm hold on me.

I stopped questioning my salvation about 3 1/2 years ago. I prayed to God, finally realizing that He was the only reason I had a hope to spend eternity in Heaven, that I couldn't deal with second guessing my place anymore. All i could offer Him was all of me. I asked for a peace undoubtedly from Him as reassurance that I was held firmly in His hand and wouldn't be lost. The peace I got was more perfect than i thought possible.

Since then my desires for God have changed. I dont' want to go to Heaven just so i don't burn in Hell. I want to go to Heaven now, because i just want to be in His presence forever and ever and ever. I want to open up the eyes of a world in desperate need of restoration and anticipate the time Heaven is unleashed.

I can't quite decide if that moment 3 1/2 years ago was when i finally got it...if recognizing the full grace of God sealed the deal, or if instead, it was just my growing more in Him. I knew it was by grace from God that i could be saved prior to that moment, but i guess when you've lived a little longer thant a 3rd grader and made some mistakes, and gone through periods you felt you had no live left in you and were surely dead, you learn better what grace is, because then you know you need it.

Tonight, I'm getting baptized, again.

It may be to make sure my baptizm is on the right side of my salvation, or because the realizations i've had helps me better understand God, and it's my proclaimation to the world that i no longer live, but He who lives in me. It means something more to me now, and I know it can only increase my joy found only in HIM.

The first time my Dad did it. I never want to forget that day.

This time, Matt's going to do it. It will be one of our best memories to keep for always.

More on Emotions

2008-06-19T12:02:00.004-05:00

It's so easy to trust our emotions and we take what we feel as 'truth'.

I question God's closeness to me when I'm not 'feeling' it. I'm less prone to rush to worship, I lose track of prayer and time spent in His presence.

In relationships, emotions cause all sorts of suffering because we become complacent and boring then we wonder why it's not exciting and because we don't 'feel' that way, we assume it's lost, doomed, perhaps even over.

That's why knowing God is what matters. Knowing He's there and He is loyal and He is perfect, knowing our needs better than we can know. That knowledge puts my mind back in control and my emotions follow suit...and the worship that happens because that's what I 'do' as a child of God becomes my desire and longing.

I think it's the same for our relationships here. Love and commitment have to be a choice, a conscious decision, so when the fun and excitement dwindles away, you go through the motions and emotions begin to awaken.

It scares me(even more now as a mom) that our society is so set on what makes us happy now. Instant gratification...I think that's why we're all so lost sometimes, some more often than others. We're too short sighted to see what's real, put value in it and trust God at the center to make it last forever.

So, we're emotional creatures, God-made as such, but I can't let my emotions control me, to spin my wheels and run my life.

Isaiah 55:8-9
"My thoughts are completely different from yours," says the Lord. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts."

Not only can I not trust my emotions...my knowledge is so far short of the One in ultimate control, all I want to do is give it all to Him, keep my eyes fixed on Him and know that He's going to take care of me.

As I Promised

2008-06-19T11:38:00.003-05:00

Now that enough time has passed that I probably have forgotten enough information about what actually took place in Atlanta, I'll fill you in on what remains in my head.

Friday afternoon, Andrew and Ashley(old friends now living in west-ish Tennessee) came to load us and our pile of 'packed' stuff into their car and off we went! To my delight, my child had not gotten a nap that day, he, instead, played in his bed at his grandma's for two hours and refused to sleep. I was anxiously awaiting the inevitable nuclear meltdown at any point, but he amazed me and did qute well, watching movies and 'reading' his books, while flying an airplane or two.

Let me not forget to mention we apparently angered a truck driver on the way down...he got on our bumper, flashed his lights, mind you in the middle of construction when we had no where to go, and honked a few times...over about a 45 period of time. We got his info, I hope someone informs him he was mean!

Our hotel suite was a two bedroom/1 bath and common area that had a broken a/c. Yay!!! The window unit in our room had ice prodruding from all openings when we arrived, so the whole party of 5 piled in our room to watch the big boys chizzle and blow dry the a/c unit. We got a new room the next day. Nehem jumped around on the bed, lurched forward and banged his head on the headboard. There were tears. Thus completes night one.

Saturday morning we woke up and prepared ourselves for the Aquarium. Fun!!! Nehem loved all the fish, especailly the gargantuan whales in the big tank visible from a tunnel running through. I got a couple good shots of Nehem and Matt together staring up in wonder and amazement. I'll get them posted here eventually. Every time we'd stop and look at something, he'd look and giggle, then when it was time to walk to the next thing, he had to wave and proclaim, "BYE!!" I thought that was cute. They had several touch tanks and I almost got him to touch a giant shrimp. He'd start to stick his hand in the water, get his arm partly in, then decide the shrimp seemed a little too strange to touch, and he'd start splashing.

Next came the Coke Factory. It was pretty neat. If you ever go, you must try this one particular beverage that I can't remeber the name of at this time, maybe it was Beverley or something, but it was simply horrendous. I got a shirt made of recycled coke bottles...fun!

After dinner we went back to the hotel, settled into our new, cool rooms and went for a swim. Being the overly anxious packer I was for this trip, I managed to forget Nehem's swimmy diapers...so after a few minutes in the pool, he kept wondering what was going on with his nether regions and walked like he'd ridden a horse all day. It was hysterical. He had great Daddy-time, too, bouncing around the pool together, playing with a ball and blowing bubbles. End day two.

Sunday morning we were up early to get to Six Flags, only to realize the park didn't open for another hour after arrival. Good! After admittance to the park we quickly hopped on some of the big rides while Nehem was happily watching everything from the comfort of his stroller. Andrew, Emily(Ashley's sister who is at school in GA) and I rode Goliath. It's supposed to be the fastest, biggest roller coaster blah, blah, blah. All I can say is I screamed for two minutes straight through the whole thing and have never enjoyed a roller coaster more. After a few other big rides we braved the land of Kiddie rides and Nehem had an absolute blast. I can't wait till he's big enough to get on roller coasters...we will surely have some mother/son bonding!

That night, laying in his bed, Nehem kept saying, "home, home, home." I think he was ready. And after an uneventful ride home on Monday, we were all beat!

How fun

2008-06-13T12:13:00.001-05:00

I just realized it's Friday the 13th. I feel like we should rent scary movies and be scared.

I'll return to stories soon...

2008-06-13T11:45:00.002-05:00

But, until then, i need to stop and talk about last night.

For mother's day this year, Matt made me a DVD of pics and video clips from Nehem's first week out of the womb, complete with tear inducing images from his NICU stay to some of my favorite music. AND, tickets to see Brooke Fraser at 3rd and Lindsley. The concert was last night, and it may have been the best i've ever seen. She may be my favorite artist and her music has so much to do with God, comfort in Christ and our responsibility as His people to be His hands and feet to a world in desperate need for restoration. Her music/lyrics are quite thought inducing, and so this is what i'm thinking about today, after a wonderful night with my husband and a couple of close friends...

We are horribly emotionally driven people aren't we?! In particular, for me right this second in my life, i find myself at an odd place. Matt's in transition out of an area of ministry and working in a 'secular' position that isn't really secular at all, because i've determined everything is spiritual, but, i digress. We're transitioning to a new church family at New Vision, and i'm overwhelmed with newness, yet excited for what God has in store, yet apprehensive because i don't have a clue what that looks like, but i'm trusting He knows every detail, and trying to remind myself put my faith in Him to orchestrate it all, as He will anyway...i'm usually pretty even keeled, and it takes alot to rock me, and i'm a little anxious, and i find i don't particularly care for it. i'm sure i should be praying more.

So, in finding myself here, after i have a little spurt of nervous energy or whatever, i begin to notice...way too late...that i'm not feeling God and his undeniable presence all that much. And i believe there are times when i, because i'm in this flesh, separated from His full presence that i can't wait to experience in eternity, there will be times i'm not going to 'feel' it so much. But that doesn't mean i shouldn't seek His face, and i find my desire for Him grows more and leads me in search. And that makes me realize the shallowness of these emotions i'm so driven by. Because what i feel, alone and questioning, isn't what i know is true...that He is always here, and i'm in His grasp. Ahhh.

So, to complete my rambling circle, perhaps my favorite song by Brooke Fraser is as follows:

Faithful

There's distance in the air and i cannot make it leave
I wave my arms round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though i know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for

[chorus]
When i can't feel you, i have learned to reach out just the same
When i can't hear you, i know you still hear every word i pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as i wait for you, maybe i'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though i know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tongue
Knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me

[chorus]

[bridge]
Show me how i should live this
Show me how i should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all i want
You are all i want

I told Matt he may never be able to top this year's mother's day present.

Whew!

2008-06-10T13:30:00.003-05:00

Well, we made it...4 adults and a 21 month old packed for a few days in an Armada and headed out for adventures partially known. We played and drove and shopped and rode roller coasters and discovered how hot it is in Atlanta in June and have now returned home for recovery that is sure to take at least a few days.

I'll add more later for stories and details, but for now I'll wonder aloud here...just why do American's not vacation or go on holiday like the rest of the world does it??? My vacation=3 1/2 days, our European counterparts vacation=about a month.

I mean, really.

Let's get this thing going...

2008-06-06T11:41:00.002-05:00

I've never attempted to blog like a regular blogger. I'm not sure how this will go, considering i can't even keep a journal going for more than two days at a time. So, a couple things to get us going...

My husband and I are taking our 21 month old to Six Flags over Georgia this weekend. I'm sure there will be stories. Right now i'm mainly concerned with the 95 degree projected temp for tomorrow and being a burden on our friends with whom we are adventuring. Stay tuned for developments on that...

Now for a silly pointless story displaying my silliness. This past weekend the husband was out of town on business, so the boy and I meandered to Target for some Sunday afternoon fun. We were puttering through not really with an agenda. He was mumbling words as he does often for typical toddler enjoyment. He was saying, "momma, momma, momma," and grinning at me in all of his cuteness. I said back to him, "Nehem." That is his name...short for Nehemiah. He looked up at me, with all the determination he could muster and said ever so clearly, "Neeeuuuummm." I was the crazy momma in the middle of the store clapping and telling him was a fine boy he was for saying his name for the very first time, perfectly of course. People stared.